Northwest Indiana Discussion

It takes a minute, then

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, “I am President Obama, the chosen one.
The world needs me, I can’t afford to die.” So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Nancy Pelosi said I am the speaker of the
house. And I am the smartest woman in American history, so America ’s people
don’t want me to die.” She took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, John Kerry, said, “I’m a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ”. So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.
The fourth passenger, Ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger,
a 10-year-old schoolgirl, “I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could.
I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.” The girl said, “That’s okay.
There’s a parachute left for you. America ’s smartest woman took my schoolbag.”

It seems this guy was entering a social workers office and lamented, "I'm so tired of collecting welfare! I'd do anything to find a job!"

The social worker replied, "You're in luck. It seems this billionaire is looking for a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You would also be accompanying her on her annual European vacations, and you would live in an apartment above his garage. Uniforms are provided, as are two meals a day, and the salary is $100,000 a year."

The man was dumbfounded. "You're bullshitting me!" he gasped.

"Well, yeah," said the social worker. "But you started it."

I guess your BDS has been replaced by PDS

Got any facts to back up your night terrors?

Your incompetent messiah just blew his trip to asia like an impotent baboon.

Oh 2012 is going to make 2010 look like a trial run with dumbo continuing to pursue his left wing agenda.

But this is the joke thread, so here is the joke:

Q: When the O'Bama's have sex, why is Michelle always on top?

A: Because Dumbo can only Fcuk-UP^

GIFT WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN
==========================

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas
when the Three Wise Men: Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb Went to see the baby Jesus; and according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and Myrrh."

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact. There is no mention of wrapping paper.

If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so:
"And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman.
And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto Him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the Baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the Frankincense."

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion; this is a scientific fact Based on a statistical survey of two guys I know.

One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the Person opens it."

The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like Enormous spitballs."

I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor Skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the Size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece Of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but When I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of The gift peeking out. (Sometimes I
camouflage this sector with a marking pen.)

If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the Lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch Tape.

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of Wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like Many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a Gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of Mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each Individual volt.

My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like Having babies that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting:

GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN:
* When ever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped.
If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you Recognizes it you can claim that it's myrrh.

* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on How to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.

* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive Bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to Delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning.

YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree? YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very Special time of year, is that you save the Receipt.

A sailor walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?"

The sailor explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?"

Well, it says you"re not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The sailor smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast.